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In history, at one point, it was disgraceful to be that public about EVERYTHING. If your family found out you had become famous and you were constantly in the public eye you were dishonoring you family and could very well be disowned or worse. It was especially hard on women. But in todays society, we want to know how many times our favorite stars take a shit. Its no wonder they flip out when people get too close...and anyone who tries to get that close to my kids, or I feel like they are trying to hurt them, I would know the everloving hell out of the paparazzi too. It astounds me that we as a society put so much emphasis on people who, no offence, don't really contribute to society except for providing entertainment. If they really wanted to give back, why don't they help out stateside instead of picking up every other child in the world to bring over here. America isn't great...its a very pretty little horror show painted to look like "driving miss daisy". Its like no one realizes that we want this ideal but no one is willing to work for it, and those that have it won't give back without asking "what do I get in return". Which is aggravating because if no one has noticed we are slowing burying ourselves in debt. Think about it, we spend TRILLIONS of dollars a YEAR on war, and building up societies and countries overseas, when we ourselves are falling apart. Its like the drunk telling their kids not to drink as they are chugging down bottle after bottle of their poison. It makes no sense, none what so ever.
I wish there were more people out there who actually thought their own THOUGHTS I mean really people, acting like Candid doesn't get anyone anything but a lot of pain and heart ache and in the end what you thought you wanted is twisted, knarled, ugly and spiteful and it will slowly eat you alive. I mean, just because some celebrity is pretty doesn't mean they are nice...just because they do stuff doesn't mean they are humble or pious. Sorry to burst the bubble of those teen who obssess over the "hottest" hollywood guys .... MOST OF THEM ARE DICKS!!!! money and power does that. Sure you want to sleep with them or be their girl...but how long do you think that will last before they dump you by the wayside for the next pretty piece of ass....and half the time they aren't pretty, just easy.
Not only that, but making a religion out of a fiction writers freaking books...i mean how desperete do we have to be for salvation to turn to that...On top of that....ITS NOT EVER PLAUSABLE....its a giant freaking pyramid scheme....and the man who started it all was damn smart...but for the life of me I can't remember his name....which is pretty bad...i mean don't you think their "high priest" or whateveer they call him would at least be kind of memorable....nope...he is an obscure author that most people don't even LIKE! But in all truth writing has gone down the shitter....there are maybe a handful of "modern" novelists that I would actually consider up to par with the likes of Shelly or Lord Byron. They were poets...not novelists...they called themselves poets because they believed in the beauty and work that has to go into what they write...some of them only came out with a few works, but they were some of the best things ever written. Seriously check them out and then look to todays "writers". Like Meyer....really? She is a hack writer who writes great for preteens who aren't really exposed to good writing...but if they want a good vampire romance....try Bram Stroker. If you read and I mean really read it, you will see a really good story. Its hard to get through, don't get me wrong, ITS LONG! But the characters are worth it. Like Dracula is a tragic villan...and there is SEX not porn...but SEX. I've read so many freaking "quivering member" novels that I actually thought for the longest time penises felt fear....not to mention they make sex so much cleaner then it is....there is sweat and fluids and if your aren't careful PAIN! But is any of this mentioned in music, books or anything else...nope....hell they don't even mention condoms....except for in pretty woman... I mean seriously people....sex isn't sterile, if you want that, we have things called sex toys....learn about them and love them cause sex with two LIVING beings is messy, fun but messy.
Which brings me to something else, why is it that guys seem so damn squimish or turned off by their girls that actually produce fluids...really guys? Its like our vaginas are going to drown them if they go down on us....I promise they won't. not to mention if you go down on your girl once in a while you might actually get her to reciprocate...but be aware of what she wants... Also if you want her to do someting you like, ask...really its not that big a deal people! if you are in a sexual relationship then you should be mature enough to bring up topics and girls take longer to get into the mood...so bringing up stuff like that gets us in the mindset....hell pull out your favorite porn one night and watch it with her...you might be amazed at the results...just make sure you know that it isn't like UBER UBER hardcore like S&M unless she is into that .... cause she might run away
I also babysit my lil cousin now and get 40$ a week for it. Not bad, but it doesn't go far.
Art and I have been together for almost a year now, it will be one year on Oct 27 and we are celebrating on halloween. We are going to be handfasted that night. ^_^ My older brother will be joining us along with my friend (his girlfriend) Katie. So it will be the awesomeness. ^_^
After that we are going to a haunted house, I am think the Texas scaregrounds. it just seems fun.
Come november first I am going to be participating in nanowwrimo 09. ^_^ wish me luck
50k in 30 days.
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I've never dealt with anyone who had a serious drug addiction, a few friends here and there were on them, but they either passed away or vanished to god only knows where. My fiance is a former addict who has mad peace with his demons and fights to keep his addictions at bay, from what he has told me, once you get addicted, it never stops, you'll always want it. Somedays are worse than others, sometimes the urge is too much. I know that there are a lot of people in the world who truly believe drugs alcohol or sex are the only ways to stop the pain, to dull it or to feel good about themselves. For a long time I toyed with those ideas....but I honestly believe no matter how bad life gets...a little bit of hope can carry you through anything.
I passed the first part of my summer session with an A and a B. So I am proud of myself. I am taking History and english comp 2 now, and I know since both of these are reading classes I am going to have to work my tail end off to make sure I pass because I tend to become very lazy with my reading. Speaking of which I am reading The Inferno, for the first time even though I've restarted it like a dozen times. It's one off those books that u have to have quiet to read or u get lost and lose the translations that u have to do to understand the book.
Mr. Castillo is awesome. he is a bit too loud for my tastes, and that is with a very loud family to compare him to so you can imagine how loud he is. He acts like an ass, and it clears out the class apparently, so I am waiting to find out how many of the students drop the class. ^_^
Dr. Joseph....ugh I don't like her already, and that doesn't bode well becase I am antagonistic when I dont like people, so we'll see how things go for the rest of the summer.
I'll be updating as i can
Ciao
I still long to be with Art, our times together brief and sparse, far too often hidden by his coming to visit me at school, or secret rendevous when I am out and about. I miss him incredibly.
I have been seeking to better myself, not only mentally, but physically. I am tryint to eat better, even though i loathe those foods which are deemed "good for me". I am taking up yoga again, and swim whenever I can at my Tia Vaness's house. I am even getting a slight tan now. The sun makes me happy, and I feel like I have accomplished something when I work out, even when I do little. I can only pray that all of these things aide me in some way, if only making me capable of living a long life, free of torturous disease that causes a most painful death.
I have stated, I wish to die in the arms of my love, peacefully in my sleep, with my children grown and having time to know my grandchildren. Death doesn't frighten me as living does, for there is no way to trully mess up death. Yes, when one takes their own life they can mess it up, the gun not having bullets, the blade not being sharp, the rope to long and the limb too weak, but when one does die, they simply die. Death itself is not depressing to me, I actually long to study death, the customs of the world as people more. The cultures at at the flesh of the dead to take in their wisdom and learning, those that buried them deep in the sand to preserv them. All of these things I long to know. I mourn those who have passed, mostly I mourn the loss of what that can give to the world in means of wisdom, the loss of young lives yet untested and the loss of a friend who might have been. I try to avoid this topic with others, because often I am called callous, even cruel. But as someone once said to me, the body is simply a vessal, a shell to hold the soul so that it may interact with the physical world around it. I believe this is true, each shell is made for the soul to learn something new, the beautiful shell so that the soul may learn humility, the plain shell so that the soul may learn confidence in its own abilities. All of the cards we are death have some meaning, some sort of worth, we must be willing to look tough and see, truly see.
I've been writing a few little poems here and there, even drawing a little bit again. I'm not much of an artist, but I do ok. Writing is my forte more then anything, so I am happy to be writing again. I am pleased to say that they are happy poems, poems of love to Art. ^_^ He has become my muse, for just about all that I am doing right now. He inspires me to be better then what I am now. Smarter, more creative, more self-confidant, he has become a source of strength for me. I know that he doesn't think that he is all that great, and I wish I knew a better way to show him that he is really a wonderful, wonderful man with just so much to offer. I wish he could see in himself what I see in him. I know I am gushing, but I feel like he has brough an all new light to my life, something that had gone out of my life, my heart, a long time ago. Honestly, before he came back into my life, I had vowed never to date again, and to banish love from my life. Then he walked into my life...and I don't know I think it was a gradual thing really. I have always cared for him, I knew him when I worked at the AMC but I never said anything, we both had other people in our lives and we both have a faithful streak that is impossible to break. I think part of it was that he proved he wasn't going to walk away...he proved to me he wanted to be with me and was willing to do anything to get that...but also that he was never going to force my hand for anything, that when I was ready he would be waiting for me. He earned my trust and my respect, and my love for him blossomed from there, strong and sure, like a flame that can never be put out, not matter how big the storm is that trys to destroy it.
- Location:In a house
- Mood:
content
My friend and sister Christiana Reese passed away of lymphoma on May 7, 2009, she was nineteen years old. She was diagnosed in late september, early October. She fought more then most would think possible and even then she wanted to fight more. She will always be in our hearts, our thoughts and our prayers go out to her family. She's up with the Angels demanding a pink halo and lime green wings, just so she can be cool. ^_^
****
Since I last posted I have started working on a novel, for my boyfriends birthday and have reached every writers greatest fear, writers block, two weeks from dead line with more then half the story to finish. I refuse to give him a half baked story, but I have no money to buy him a gift so I am trying to push through with this and give him something that is uniquely his. Also, Christiana has been made one of the main Characters to make sure that she she lives on in more then just the minds of her friends and loved ones.
Stevey.
- Mood:
apathetic
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My mom doesn't know how to deal with Anthony, not really. He is fifteen and has spent his whole life waiting on her to bring true on her promises. The other problem with this is that my mom is a little...ghetto. She's really cool and all, more like a friend but sometimes when she gets up set or frustrated with us...her language gets crude and she is a little...violent. Anthony is so much like her in that respect because he has no outlet for his frustrations. He can't talk to anyone because no one wants to listen, and he refuses to come to me because he doesn't think that I will understand and the fact that we fight constantly. Today he tells my mother that he would be better off in a foster home. This somehow escalates into my Tia Vanessa calling the house in a fine storm to get my grandmother and my grandfather to my moms apartment before she ends up killing him.
Its not only this but other incidents like it that make me honestly fear for not only my sanity, but the sanity of all of us. I am getting out in a year and a half, and I won't hear or see as much of this. The ones I worry about being driven to the edge are Luna and my grandparents and Anthony. Anthony I can honestly see commititing suicide or becomeing homicidal because of everything he locks up inside. On more then one occasion I have urged my family to get counsiling, all of us go to family counseling but no one takes me seriously. In the very least we NEED anger management classes because it is so out of hand here.
On top of my brother and mom's drama I got saddled with my own drama, its nothing new really for me, but it pisses me off and makes me want to just pack up and leave. FOOD. I weigh 93.5lbs right now. I weighed myself three days ago. I am five feet and one quarter inch tall. I am supposed to weigh one hundred pounds but my metabolism is really high and it takes me forever to gain half a pound. Most people are going to read that and be like ok whats the drama. The drama is this. I can't stand to eat in my house because every time I eat or want to eat something I get so much static from my grandfather that I just want to scream. Truth be told the only time I put on weight is during school because I eat all the time while I am there so I am not hungry when I get home. My grandfather's biggest complaints come from me always eating the same foods over and over again and never eating vegetables. I am nineteen years old and I am going to be twenty in five months. I try really hard not to tell him just to be happy that I am eating because I do deal with an eating disorder. It may not be as bad as some cases but it is still there and it still makes my life a living Hell. I am actually afraid to eat a lot because if I put on weight and it starts to show then I will get teased by my grandmother about getting fat and she will try to force me to diet like her. Only problem is she is overweight and has had several surgeries to get rid of the weight but refuses to change her eating habits in the slightest. Thus she is still overweight. I get teased for being skinny too, my mom and grandmother always saying I look half dead and telling me to eat more. I have a healthy appetite, but when I sit down to eat, its like my stomach shrivels up or something. The more stressed out I am the less I eat as well because I become nauseous at the smell or sight of food. Sometimes I will be eating and suddenly feel this huge urge to just vomit. It takes a moment to pass but it eventually does, only to return with every bite I take till I stop eating.
Not only that, but a lot of the fucked up shit that has happened in my life is coming back to haunt Art and I in the form of my fears. I was in a relationship with a physically abusive and very Jealous boy. If relationship is what you could call it. He picked me out as his because I flirted a little bit. At first I thought it was kinda cute how protective he was but I never understood exactly what was going on until a freindly game of "Toque" ((touch)) got out of hand. Toque is another name for trading hits and I used to play with some of my guy friends. They never hit me too hard while I was allowed to put as much force behind my hits as possible. Well he saw this and swung at me. I had never been hit full force by a guy before (aside from family) so it stunned me. I was happy is was just my stomach because if it had been my face I would have a broken nose and missing teeth. Many of my guy friends saw it and well....all I know is I never saw him again and I just kind of buried that part of my life away. But ever since then I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Not to mention I refused to date someone who was both mentally and physically superior to me, in fact most of my realtionships didn't last more then a few weeks to a months or so. I became mean, and very vindictive in an effort to protect myself. I let that shield drop and got my heart broken by a guy who molested a twelve year old when he was sixteen. He had seemed the perfect guy and I learned yet again, that appearances can be very decieving Now that I am with Art. I am looking for something to fear him for. I don't know why but I have this "do not poke the sleeping bear" mentality with him when he has never shown me any violence or ill will. Hell he doesn't even like to get too rough with me during sex because he is afraid I won't be handle it. Plus all of the faults he has I already know and can handle so I'm not sure why I am trying to ruin a damn good relationship. I am trying to get over my insecurites but its like years of engrained fear keeps telling me that he is too good to be true. I am trying to shut up the stupid voices but with nothing to occupy my mind with all day...bad thoughts creep in and then its like it will start with fear and move into self-depreciation and an ever worsening problem with depression. I miss him so much that I am afraid that he won't be there, like he will evaporte like mist. I love him so much and I want to be with him forever. I don't want to be the reason we break up. I want to be strong for him, I want to be the best woman and girlfriend I can possibly be for him....but Goddess these thoughts....they are slowly breaking me.
Primarily it was my ex who forced me itno this change because it was either grow and and grow a backbone, or risk being someone's banna's foster forever and that wasn't going to work for me. I am too proud and stubborn to be anything less then the best.
Religion, that one topic that for the sake of your sanity you stay away from, especially if your opinion differs from the popular majority...like mine does.
Today was easter and my family tends to be a little wierd about religious holidays. Now normally they are not all that religious, but lately shit has gotten way WAY out of hand with them and the whole "religion" thing. Now I am not bashing them. I think that it is great that they have faith in a high power and all that....but shoving it down my throat is not cool, not cool at all. The last time I read the bible, it said something about not forcing religion down someone throat and that you should help guide them back to the lord. dragging some one kicking and screaming just makes you look like an ass.
I am Pagan...i am happy with my choice in religion. Does that mean that I don't believe in christ, no. I believe that Christ is another name for the Lord Consort of the Mother Goddess. I see them working together to create everything because they are part of each other, yet seperate from each other. Like all living beings, we have a feminine and masculine side.
I believe and try really hard to follow the ten commandments, I can't stand reading the bible....old school language makes my head hurt. I love the stories and the morals. But I believe that everything shifts and changes, and the only way that you are ever going to know a higher power, provided you believe in one, is to get ahold of them on your own. I mean go out side and talk to the sky....or even on the John. If you really believe, you don't need a book to tell you anything, all you need is your own heart and the hand of the powers that be to guide you.
It pisses me off when I am not allowed to express this in my family...and my mother threatening to break me in half when I wanted to express my opinion. No one wants me too because I am wiccan and they say I have no right to talk about other religions...well more precisly I have no right to talk about God.
My mother yelled at me and bitched me and just pissed me off. Sometimes I really, really dislike my mother. She thinks that she is big shit...and honestly...she is just like the rest of us. Sometimes I wish I could speak candidly with her, but the threat of being slapped, or the shit knocked out of me is so....prevalent...I don't feel like a part of the family. Hell sometimes I wonder if I am even really her daughte with the way that she reacts to me.
I hate to say this about my mom...but I don't think she should have ever had kids...ever. She doesn't know how to handle us and frankly....it worries me sometimes. I just realized I totally jumped topics but ok....back to what I was ranting about.
The way I see it, religion, dieties, gods, all of that. They were all made to explain what we couldn't understand what scared us. No that is wrong....belief....belief made us strong, gave us hope, but organized religion turned us all into bigots and hypocrites. We all claim to want peace and love and everything for the greater good. We tarnish great names with blood and pain, when the message all of our Gods, Prophets, magical creatures all of them have asked for is peace. Christ preached for love and peace, the Goddess asks for harmony between man, beast and nature, Buddism ((sp)) is about enlightenment and inner peace...from what I understand I don't know enough to fold it into one sentance. But most religions ask for love and peace, so why do those of us who claim to live under those banners, slander, fight, kill and harm those who want the same as we do?
Ok since my last entry....my last real entry...
-I was fired from work for stealing a chapstick ((don't even start telling me how stupid that was I KNOW ALREADY))
-Lied to my parents about why I got fired ((see above comment))
-Got into a three day fight with them that consisted mostly of being berated and talked down to like I am a nothing.
-Had my door taken down and a week later put back up because Luna kept getting into all my stuff.
-Got put in charge of cook three dinners a week every week until I move the hell out
-I am not allowed to have a social life until I get my degree. Which will be in december of 2010....I HOPE
-I am not allowed to have my door shut durning the day and if It is closed at night and I am not up before my grandfather I get yelled at for having my door shut. I can't sleep with it ope, gives me the freaking creeps.
and yeah that is my life thus far....lots of other stuff thrown in that just suck. My mom doesn't even want to talk to me and when she does I want to slap the living hell out of her because she is talking to me like i am shit.
A family memeber of ours died on Thurday, he was 36 and his name was Joseph same day I find out that my aunt lost her job as well and that my friend was moved to a specialty hospital in dallas called Zale Lispys.Can't spell right now so XP. She is here and there, she laughs but can't talk, is really weak, but she makes faces and can death glare you. She also throws kittens at people. ITs cute.
I was really glad I got to see her again. Its been a very long time.
Now I wish I could see Art as much as I have seen my other friends. I love all my friends but I really miss art, and I want to be close with him again....like cuddled up close on his bed napping in his arms. I hate that for the next year I am not permitted to hang out with anyone unless it is to see shadow, and even those visits are going to be rare because I am getting in trouble for going and visiting her. I state here and now MY LIFE SUX HAIRY MUNKY BALLS!!!!!!
I want to see Art'
I want kisses from him and to give him
I want hugs
I need him despretly.
also just because I can and no one reads this anyways...
BIRTHDAY WISH LIST
-Neo Cash....you can get this at target and yes I am a dork
-Dream Dictionary- Barnes and noble or half price books
-Dramatica Pro-This is a two hundred dollar computer software program that helps with ones writing, kinda like a personal editor. I highly doubt I will be getting this...since it has been on my wishlist for....a year and a half now....since my last birthday.
So.....if any of you really love me I would really like these things for my birthday...or just a birthday card. I am turning twenty this year.....
- Location:in front of my computer
- Mood:
frustrated - Music:something classical
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My parents don't know, and if I can help it they aren;t going to know EVER. If I can help it. So to facilitate that I have been hiding out at my boyfriends house under the pretense of going to work....
Two days have gone by so far and I couldn't be happier.
I love him so much and I miss him all the time, so getting to spend two days with him has been amazing.
Friday he had to work from five to eight...but he came home at like seven thirty. Before that we cuddled and made love and just enjoyed the peace of being with each other.
His mom and I hung out a little bit I helped around the house here and there...little things.
Today was his day off....and his mom wasn't home...all day long. ^_^ We picked up some stuff from the store and his friends house and he made me curry which was really good. We cuddled and talked and kissed and teased each other for hours. I read a little bit while he cuddled up behind me and I can't even describe the feelings of contentment and happiness that were coursing through me while he did that.
We did make love and let me tell you...it was amazing....he actually moved the wrought Iron bedframe a few inches, the mattress would have fallen off the bed if I wasn;t so damn sore. He actually managed to bury me in the mattress...which feels fucking AMAZING. ^_^ Before that though we cleaned the house up well he cleaned I just helped out. The only bad thing about today was the fact that I tried to make one of his nuts a paste with the heel of my foot on accident and couldn't stop giggling...I really do feel bad about that, the squishing and the giggling.
But up to this point my weekend has been A-fucking-mazing. I have the most wonderful boyfriend in the world and I love him so much. I cannot wait until the day where going home means going home to him.
- Mood: jubilant
RULES:
Make your own album cover and band name: here's a totally random way to make your new random band's new random album cover. Post one! Go to Wikipedia: Random
and the first article you get is the name of your band. Then go to Random Quotations and the last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album. Then, go to Flickr and click on Last Updated Picture and the third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.Band Name: UssAzimech ((Ak-124))
Album Title: Save and Savor the World
Album cover :
